July 29, 2015

MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER

I just put my little girl to bed. Poor thing was so exhausted. Cameron jokes with me that I wear her out when I tell him of our daily adventures.

She just looks so beautiful when she's sleeping. Of course she is always beautiful--and no, it's not because she's being quiet. There's just something about it. So serene and peaceful. I love the way her sweet little lashes fan out and the precious smile that often forms between her soft, chubby cheeks. Maybe dreaming of heaven?

I really love these quiet moments with her. Especially just before I put her down when she's snuggled up in my arms. I'll admit she doesn't always make it to her crib right away... But with busy days, this gives me a second to step back and soak it all in. The tenderness and silence of the moment allow my thoughts to wander...

Here she is, this perfect little person. So eager to learn and constantly being molded. And I am the one responsible for it. Of course I am overjoyed that she is here and healthy, but I'd be lying if I said this didn't weigh on me at times.

Being a mom has really allowed me to evaluate myself on a much deeper level. I am this child's example. Soon, she'll watch more closely what I do and say. She'll ask me questions and question what I ask.

I mean, just yesterday she started shaking her head "no, no, no" because she saw her daddy doing it. It was pretty adorable. And we may have tried to get her to do it several times because we couldn't get enough, but it really hit me how observant she is. It amazed me that she can already copy what she sees.

The more I think about this, the more I realize the importance of how I act and how I feel about myself. If I am not kind, selfless and giving how can I teach her to do the same? If I do not love myself how can I expect her to?

Maybe these are silly things to worry about. I know mistakes as a parent are inevitable. And according to the countless advice I've received, children are pretty resilient and trying my best is what matters.

BUT if I am not where I need to be personally, how can I possibly be the best mom I can be for her? And my daughter, whose worth is more precious than rubies, does deserve my best. 

I've been pondering and praying so much about this because I've developed some unhealthy habits over my lifetime. Habits that have brought me down on myself. Habits that I've failed to change many times, but have never been such an important priority of mine until now. Now that I am 100 percent responsible for another human being. 

And I think I've especially felt this because I have a daughter. A daughter that will one day become a woman. And as a woman and a mother, I'd love to be and help her see a healthy example of these. Not that I want her to be an exact replica of me, but I do want her to have a positive role model through all the pressures and negativity she might face.

I'm rambling but this post is an effort to keep me accountable. A promise to change into my best self. Even if I fail at times, I pray my efforts will help her see her divine worth and potential. Recognize and utilize her strengths. Be confident but not boastful. Know who she is and above all else, love herself unconditionally. 

...

I finally lay her down and give her a goodnight kiss. Oh baby girl, I've had plenty of great teachers, but none as enlightening as you!

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