January 26, 2015

OUR NEW ADVENTURE

When we found out that our baby girl had a strong chance of making it, I was afraid I would become insensitive.

Losing our babies and then opening up about them exposed me to a sweet community of special mothers that have become so near and dear to me, and I worried that I would hurt or lose them in some way after discovering that my baby would likely make it. Though I know being pregnant with my baby now doesn't change or replace the ones I lost, I worried that I would somehow forget this and find myself saying something foolish.

So I vowed never to complain, always be grateful, and try my best to be as sensitive to others as I would hope they were to me when I was going through my struggles.  

And really, all I can say is that I truly, truly hope that I have not come off otherwise to anyone--especially these dear family and friends of mine who are suffering with loss and/or infertility. I know where your heart is and I hope you know that mine loves you and aches for you deeply.  

We are coming up on our first baby's due date again and it's been almost a year since we lost our 4th one. These dates still linger painfully with me and it's crazy to think that I could have had a one year old with me now. 

But then I think about my baby girl and the unbelievable joy and light she brings--even more so because she came to us during such a dark time. I can't say I would change that. 

Despite all the positive our sweet baby brings, I do get little discouraging thoughts once in a while. Just feelings of inadequacy and doubt. I have worries that I won't be a good mother and well, I'm scared to jump into this new, unknown life. BUT as I think about all we've been through, I realize that Cam and I have been packed for this adventure for some time now. 

I have to believe that it wasn't all for nothing. That the hours we spent testing for answers that never came and the buckets of tears we shed over each miscarriage weren't just random. I do think that our experiences really helped mold and prepare us for parenthood. 

Now, I know we won't be perfect and there's no way to feel fully prepared for something so uncharted, but at least I can have some assurance that we are so ready to LOVE this baby and care for her to the best of our abilities. 

Today is my first day being home full time, and I have all kinds of emotions! Quitting my job was a difficult decision, but as my due date drew nearer, it just made sense for us. Course most people would say, "Why not wait it out and use maternity leave?" Good point. There was just another plan in store for us. In November, we were very lucky that Cam was given this amazing, new job opportunity that allowed us to cover everything with just his income. And as we discussed and prayed about the pros and cons of me leaving my job, it just felt right for me to come home a little early. Of course the extra income would be a huge benefit and I really loved my job, but I needed the time to prepare and the stress of trying to juggle everything was not worth it.

My life has been go-go-go since we've been married, and now that we were welcoming this new little life into our lives, it was time for me to reevaluate my priorities. I asked myself, will I be a better mother at home or as a working mom? Everyone has a different answer for this and I don't think there is a right one for everyone--and I'm very fortunate to even have the option to choose. But knowing myself, coming home felt like the best thing for our family and especially my daughter. It's such a blessing that my husband felt the same.

I'm so grateful for this time to prepare for the arrival of my baby girl. There's so much I want to do and work on--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm so stoked for her to be here I can hardly stand it!

We just had our second (and last) baby shower and as we were going through all of the baby items we were generously given, Cam started daydreaming a little and said, "As soon as I get home from work every day, you won't be able to get me away from her!" Haha.

We are just so overwhelmed with excitement to meet our new, little adventure.
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6 comments:

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    1. Thanks Bailey, we love you guys so much!

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  2. Aww Keri enjoy these last few weeks they go by so fast come 36wks! I had only begun my leave one weekand had my daughter 36wks5days we definitely didn't expect her so soon! And don't worry EVERY new mother-to-be doubts herself its all part of the hormones! Lol

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    1. Oh my gosh, that IS super early! Guess you gotta be prepared for anything! Haha. So happy for you! Thanks, I've been told the worries are pretty normal. Lol.

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  3. Exciting (& highly emotional) times! Every soon to be mother experiences anxiety about becoming a mommy, the unknown, changes in Family dynamics, etc. But, you're going to be fabulous! You'll be EXACTLY what little Baby Roxy needs!

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