August 26, 2014

ITS BEEN A YEAR

Just a couple of weeks ago, we hit the year mark from when we lost our first baby.

A year of lots of pain, loss, excitement, anxiety, then more pain. Just a roller coaster of a year. 

As I sit back and reflect on all of my experiences this last year, I can tell that I am a different person than I was that day in the emergency room--hearing I had miscarried for the first time. 

I'm not exactly certain why or how. But I just feel different. I do know, though, that am changed in a (mostly) positive way. 

This is going to get super cheesy. But I thought of this when we celebrated our anniversary last month and went to see Wicked. I wasn't familiar with the music before going, but I'm sure some of you broadway fanatics know (and forgive me if I am butchering this). The characters Elphaba and Glinda sing a song together titled For Good and part of the lyrics to that song include, "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." When I listened to the song, it reminded me of my babies. You know, they really did change me for good and I'd like to feel that I'm a better person because of them. 

I mean.... minus the nightmares and constant fear that is. But despite the very negative effects of having recurrent pregnancy loss, I am grateful to have known these beautiful spirits that I am so blessed to call my children. 

It's hard to put my finger on what exactly is so different about me, there seems to be an endless number of things. But I think it's mostly pretty simple.

I am more grateful for my blessings.

I have become part of a community of special mothers--who I know I would not have met otherwise. They have touched my life in so many ways.

I know I have the ability to do hard things.

I have learned to rely on the Lord in such a profound and complete way. And my testimony of my Savior and the plan of Salvation has grown.

I have seen tiny miracles all around me and in the people who have shown endless love and support.

One of the biggest things that I have realized is that family is most important. When you are a child, you imagine growing up, getting married and having a family. Easy, right? My experience has shown me that having a family is much harder than it seems for many, many people. And it is worth the fight. 

I might not understand fully what others are going through with loss and/or infertility, but I do now have a deeper sensitivity to it. I am endlessly grateful for this because I had been so naive before.

I'm more aware of my faults. But in a constructive way. Maybe this is getting repetitive, but my angels have made me want to be better. I often question, How can I show more faith? Could I be more kind and considerate? And probably the one I ask most often: is this being a good example to my children?

They have humbled me and taught me that each day is a learning experience (which the perfectionist in me refused to accept). They taught me that just because the world says something is not perfect, doesn't mean it is wrong or bad. I was told countless times that there was something wrong with my babies, but to me, they were absolutely perfect and beautiful.

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2 comments:

  1. You are such a strong and special person. Your babies are so lucky to have you as a mom.

    Sending you lots of hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Nadia! I think the same of you! You are a wonderful, wonderful mom! Hope you are well.

      Loves,

      Keri

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