June 18, 2014

MISSING YOUR TINY HEARTBEAT

June 18th was our second baby's due date.

It's really baffling to me that we're at this point already. 

Two down. Two to go. 

*Sigh*

We can do this. 

If I made it through the first two alive, I think I can make it through the next two. 

I'm moving forward. Hoping for the best. Striving to be a good, grateful person.

But the main thing that I'm trying to let myself remember is that

grief doesn't have a timeline. 

I've felt so much pressure to "be happy," "stop crying," etc. I even had one person approach me and say, "Oh that's still bothering you?" 

Yes. It's still "bothering" me. It always will. My child is gone for heaven's sake! What we lost has changed our lives and it is a pain that I'm learning to live with on a daily basis. 

I can't describe what it felt like to see my still, lifeless baby on the ultrasound screen after watching their tiny heart beating--just two weeks prior. I know everyone deals differently.. But for me? This cuts deeper than anything I've ever experienced and I need to express it. Feel it. And remember this child I wanted in my arms so badly.

I was finally able to muster up the strength to read my old pregnancy journal this past week. That's where I kept the pictures of our baby. 

I am so glad I have them, yet they are so painful to look at. 

They are the only one of our four babies that we have pictures of, so as I thought about what I would do on this day for my little angel, I felt the pictures needed to be remembered in a positive way.

So I made a little frame for one of the ultrasound snapshots. One that we would keep just for us. 
The perfectionist in me is going a little crazy. I'm so uncrafty.

As I've read books, quotes, blogs, etc. on miscarriage I've found one common theme amongst most of them that describes how I feel perfectly: when a child dies, it's a mother's instinct to protect their memory (not sure who quoted this). 

So thank you for bearing with me through my jumbled thoughts. All I want is to keep the memory of my little ones alive even though their tiny eyes never got to see this world. 

 photo kerisig_zpsbc8802b2.jpg

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