May 12, 2014


I asked Cam if it were possible to have my heart surgically removed and still live.

"Maybe if you had enough electricity," he responded.

Oh babe. He just says whatever to go along with my madness.

It's a tempting thought though... If it were possible. It seems to be the source of all my pain lately. Well, actually, it doesn't seem--it IS the source.

It's been especially heavy and painful since baby number one's due date past and as Mother's Day approached. I mean, I am very grateful for Mother's Day. I am. I truly strive to show my mom appreciation and love all the time, but I'm glad we have a special day for all mothers because it truly is a divine calling and I believe deserves recognition--in all its shapes and forms (to me, there are many definitions of being a mother).

It just means something completely different to me now. Because all I have is due dates. Due dates and empty, grieving arms. I've been told I am a special mom. Which, I truly feel honored to have carried four celestial babies. Even for a short time. But it just hurts thinking I could be holding my sweet child on Mother's Day. On days like this, I can't help but feel reminded of what was lost.

I'm trying really hard not to make this a sad post because it truly is a happy time for so many. I don't want to be the downer. And it really was a special and uplifting day. I'll get to that!

Anyway, this past weekend I took some time off. I just needed a break from work and I had some extra days I could use. It was pretty last minute, but the hubby and I decided to make a trip out of it. We thought... let's go to Moab! Or St. George! Anywhere we could take our mountain bikes and just GO.

We finally decided on St. George a few days before. We try to be spontaneous, yes. But it was mostly indecisiveness and poor planning.

But it worked out perfectly of course. Yay! Sunny St. George.

I think my body knew I was ready to go have fun because it decided to catch a nasty cold right when we were leaving. Slamming zinc and vitamin C and staying hydrated didn't help either. So I was sickly and icky the entire trip. Oh well. It gave me a chance to catch up on much needed sleep! And I was well enough on day one to hit a few trails. We got some fun pics too (:

Having a picnic in the back of the Xterra! 

We did get to do other activities while we were there too. Though, it was more chill since my runny nose wasn't having it.

We went to the movies.

Laid out by the pool. (Cam jumped in a few times.)

Explored the town and imagined what it would be like to retire there and live at the tippy top of the red rocks.

And of course we paid a visit to the very beautiful St. George Temple.

Despite the sickness, it was so nice to get away for a bit with my sweet husband.

We got back home Sunday evening. Little did I know, Cam had something very special waiting for me. After we got all of our stuff back in the house and got settled, he handed me a small box. And here's what I found within:

Four tiny figurines for our four angel babies <3 And they were accompanied by this poem:


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother;
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies;
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb;
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say...
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me;
I learned my lesson very quickly,
My Mummy set me free.
"I miss my Mummy oh so much
But visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow there I lay.
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear;
"Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see, my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you, with Me
Until your lesson there is through,
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a mother;
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize,
Until their time is done.
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are a SPECIAL MUM!

I bawled. Naturally. My sweetheart knew this day would be so difficult for me, and he made such a valiant effort to make it so meaningful and comforting. It truly was. He did more for me this Mother's Day than I would ever dream of asking for. How did I ever get to be so lucky? Seriously? I am insanely blessed.

On top of this, I received several messages from many family members and friends wishing me a special and happy Mother's Day. Goodness. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. They were sending me well wishes? I was amazed. You special people know who you are. Thank you. Thank you. You don't know how much it means to me. And how much you have helped uplift my very tired and wounded heart. You truly have Mother Hearts of your own.

I am still amazed at the gifts God sends me each moment. Even when I am angry and prideful. He never ceases to show me He is near. The little messages He sends urge me to trust when I know I am running extremely low on faith. In fact, just recently I thought I was just about to lose it and give up on all hope when the song "Perfect Peace" by Laura Story came on my little playlist (which I often go to when I'm having a freak out). These were the lyrics that hit me the most:

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when I say
That I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone
And you'll never be in need
Though I may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in Me

I get in the habit of wishing that He would just take it all away and make it stop raining for just a second. But that's just it. It doesn't just disappear. Though He "may not calm the storms," I can hide in Him. I can put my trust in Him and have faith that He will help carry my burdens through this very difficult time. Through Him, I can find peace.

I hope you all had a lovely and fun Mother's Day. It's definitely a special day for all women. Mothers. Grandmothers. Aunts. Sisters. Friends. It is all meant for your loving, caring hearts!
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  1. Oh, Keri, this was beautiful. Happy Mother's Day to you! I just know one day you'll get to hold one of the many special babies Heavenly Father will trust you with. You are so strong and so special, your babies are so blessed to have you as their mother.


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